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Niet Swaffelen op de Dixi

from Dust of Uruzgan by Fred Smith

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about

In 2005, when NATO countries were called on to increase their commitment to Afghanistan, the Netherlands took the lead nation role in Uruzgan province. Australia took on a supporting role focused on infrastructure reconstruction and mentoring the Fourth Brigade of the Afghan National Army. The Dutch are pisstakers too, so we generally got on well with them.
There were, however, some aspects of Dutch culture that offended the finer sensibilities of the Australian soldier, including their fierce proclivity for Lycra and the widespread practice of swaffelen. This practice was popularized a few years ago in Holland when footage of a young Dutch tourist swaffelen the Taj Mahal went viral on YouTube. It is beneath the dignity of this project to explain what the verb ‘swaffelen’ means. You’re welcome to Google it if you’re curious.
Suffice to say, the problem was serious enough for me to write this song in an attempt to stop Dutch soldiers from swaffelen in the shared portaloos (known as ‘Dixis’) that proliferated around the base. While some blame the disintegration of the Netherlands’ political coalition in support of the war, in fact it was my proscription of Dixi swaffelen that broke the will of the Dutch military, and they withdrew from Uruzgan province in August 2010.

lyrics

I’ve heard that when the Taliban held power in Kabul they messed up people’s lives with lots of silly rules. Women were illegal and so was flying kites. And god defend the kind of men who like to dress in tights.
I wouldn’t want to be like Taliban and tell you what to do I’m fighting here for freedom after all, just like you. I respect your ‘Lowlands’ culture and I love you very much but there is one important thing I say to all you Dutch:
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, it’s against the law
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, we’re tryna fight a war
And if you’re Swaffelen in that Dixi like a Dixi swaffelen man how the hell are we supposed to defeat the Taliban?!
So Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, niet, niet, niet!
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, there isn’t enough room
If I catch you swaffelen in the Dixi I’ll tell Brigadier Van Uhm
And he will have you court-martialled and sent back to The Hague where they’ll put your dick on a table and whack it with a spade
So Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, niet, niet, niet!
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, it really isn’t fair
There are people who need to use that Dixi and you could swaffel anywhere
You can swaffel in Paris, you can swaffel in Rome
You can swaffelen the Taj Mahal, or wait till you get home.
You can swaffel in the shower block with shampoo and soap. You can swaffel with the RSM, or with the #%*#ing Pope
But niet swaffelen op de Dixi, niet, niet, niet!
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, did you hear me or are you deaf?
If I hear you have been swaffelen in the Dixi I will call in the SF
Task Force 55 and the boys from 66 go swaffelen at night with black paint on their dicks
And they will find you swaffelen in that Dixi my friend and they’ll hard knock on the Dixi door in which case I would recommend
That you immediately bend over place your chest upon your thighs, stick your head between your knees and kiss your arse goodbye!
So niet swaffelen op de Dixi, niet, niet, niet!
Niet swaffelen op de Dixi, it really is quite gross
Once a week they clean those Dixis with a great big vacuum hose
And if your swaffelen in the Dixi on a lazy Saturday
You may find yourself fellatiod in a most unpleasant way. It will grab you and it will suck you ‘til there is nothing left. What’s the BDA going to say about your cause of death?
That you died swaffelen op de Dixi, niet, niet, niet!
SF – Special Forces
RSM – Regimental Sergeant Major
BDA – Battle Damage Assessment

credits

from Dust of Uruzgan, released August 30, 2020

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Fred Smith Canberra, Australia

“Fred Smith is simply the best folk/country musician working in this country in 2020. Beyond writing some of the finest songs about Australians at war, he has created a repertoire that is wry, literate, witty, powerfully emotional and insightful.”(Bruce Elder, Sydney Morning Herald). ... more

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